I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
