FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
