i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You ate ashes out of my bong
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
