dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We left the knife in your bed.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
