Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
