just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
