he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
