you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
