My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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