woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
