you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
