You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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