about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
