me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
