If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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