my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Randomize
