I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
