I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
