Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
