You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My ATM looks so different sober.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
