My friends, they love my intelligence
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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