the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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