Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
