If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
