This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
