I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
