No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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