i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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