You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
this boner is exhausting
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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