What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
