I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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