we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
