i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
