ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
