you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
