they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
