So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I came so hard my ears popped.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
