just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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