I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
