my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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