Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
