On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
