Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
