Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
