Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
