can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
