I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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