We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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