I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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