Can i not drive my cunt home
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I enjoy the company of your penis
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
