Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
