Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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