They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
